This Just In....

So today I was at the gym and as if I didn't have enough adrenaline from stress, the media really got me going. For those gym junkies that'll understand I'm talking I burned 462 calories in 30 minutes, that's a pretty intense 30 min of cardio. What I'd like to share with you all is some of the ridiculous headlines. I'm not even sure where to start

1. A man is being tried and prosecuted for hacking Sarah Palin's e-mail. Sarah Palin may make an appearance in court. Like seriously, wtf was in Sarah Palin's e-mail? Maybe a recipe from her next door neighbor or some PTA shit, who the f*ck cares about Sarah Palin's e-mail and the only reason she'd go to court is so the media will cover her Playboy face yet again. As I said earlier, I am not sure who said "Take my picture Hollywood" was it Lady Gaga or Sarah Pal Pal?

2. Man is arrested in the UK for driving a Barbie Power Wheels drunk. Man is ARRESTED. OMFG, that's genius...you can just straight up get arrested for anything these days. Props to that individual for thinking outside the box but still "operating" under the influence. Do you think his 3 year old daughter was in the passenger seat?

3. A California man has been sentenced to life in jail with no parole after he pleaded guilty and admitted to kidnapping, raping, and stabbing a 10 year old girl. Does this mean the parents of the little girl are tax exempt for lifetime? Because I'm pretty sure distraught Mother and Father are paying for this sick individual to watch True Life: I'm a sick fuck. Thats justice America. Not to mention I know others who travel afar just to watch cable.

4. Whale found dead with large amounts of trash in its stomach. LIKE wtf is this? That's like saying college girl found dead, large amounts of male fluids found in stomach. Sorry Moby Dick was snacking on trash when there were obviously plenty of fish in the sea. This has got to be one of the weirdest headlines I've ever seen.

5. New Apple iPhone photo leaks. OMG nerds and apple freaks, get home and google all the deets on your new touch screen girlfriend. Did you know that the new phone has 2 cameras? WHY, can someone give me a logical explanation about why our means of verbal communication needs 2 cameras. Photographers rarely walk around with two cameras on their neck, so why would some little apple p.o.s need two cameras? I hope it's something obnoxious like 543 gigs because we all know everyone needs 45 movies, 10,234 songs, and 256 porns on their iPhone. I'm trading my blackberry in, it has one f*cking camera and that's subpar.

This is only a small taste of the absurd headlines I watched on the news this afternoon. For once, I really feel like I can relate to all our grandmothers who say "what is this world coming to?" Honest to god. Everyone's getting arrested, dying of trash ingestion, raped and murdered. I feel like the world is coming to such prosecution and hate that those who eat McChickens everyday are going to get jumped because someone disagrees with their dietary orientation. Speaking of orientation. I mean if we're going to have sexual orientation, I want to have political orientation, scholastic orientation, animal orientation, etc. For example, scholastic orientation: On our facebook you should list if you are intelligent, book smart, bullshitter, retard, etc. WTF is sexual orientation? Labels. Gay. What is this world truly coming to? You cant even pull a good prank these days or you go to jail. People can go to jail for pulling fire alarms and have no cable for 12 hours in holding cells, but Joe Blow is watching Dancing With the Stars and smirking over his twisted murder down the hall. I mean that seems fair, right? Anyway, the news. No good. I think I'm really just going to stick to perezhilton.com because reading about how drunk Lindsay Lohan got last night makes me feel a little less uneasy. Have a good one folks.

The Awkward Travel Sweat

Some of you might be perplexed by the title of my blog, but once you get through this you're going to be able to relate with me well. So here's the scenario: You're getting ready to drive a few hours out of town so you take a wonderful shower because the question is, when will I get another shower and how good will that one actually be? You dry your hair, put the make up on, nice outfit and hit the road. Air conditioning is turned up, music is blaring, stunner shades on..the drive is going smoothly. Suddenly, you realize your hands are a little clammy, ass is a little sweaty, and ONE of your arm pits is pit stained. I offer no medical or logical explanation of why only that one arm pit sweats, but I promise that's just how it goes. Perhaps it could have something to do with how intensely you are holding that steering wheel with one hand, but who really knows? Just one of those eerie aspects of life. Naturally, you turn up the air conditioning a little more, but that doesnt stop the entire crisis..you actually just get clamier.

By the time the drive is over, what's the first thing you want? Another shower. I know when I arrive at my final destination I just want to cleanse my face for hours because it honest to god looks like someone fried bacon on my face and then soaked it. If I invested into a travel dehumidifier would I be able to bypass this awkward travel sweat? Then I'd probably arrive at my destination with the grand canyon on my face because I'm so dried out. Airplanes are just as bad. Awkward travel sweat isnt just the one sweaty armpit either, it's an entire package deal. With that sweaty pit comes the moist awkward smell of your deodorant, clammy hands, upper lip sweat, etc. There isn't a better adjective to describe it than awkward. So we all know we feel a little gross after traveling, why do we continue to shower and paint our faces with make up before traveling? I think in anticipation of awkward travel sweat I'm not going to shower for like 4 days prior to departure. I think that's really going to show that awkward travel sweat.

I bring this topic up because I've got a 3 day drive ahead of me this summer. The big move to California is going to take awkward travel sweat to an extreme level that I'm not mentally prepared to handle. I'm talking pit stains to my ankles, 7th grade puberty broken out grease face, and swamp ass that requires depends diapers. I don't even know what to do to prepare. This my friends, is an example of a life stressor that's legitimate and justified. All that BS about money struggles, marital problems and such doesn't even touch battling awkward travel sweat. I think on that note I'm going to go baby powder my driver seat, it's a start, right?

The Scented Tampon

This blog is dedicated to my beloved and dear roommate Erin:

I was on the phone a little big ago and Erin sent me a text message that said hey can you blog about how awkward scented tampons are? Definitely, in fact, I've had the same thought about them for a long time. The scented Tampon: WHAT is your ultimate purpose anyway? The thing is I pretend like they are an obsolete thing that no one uses, but then I get the random awkward moment where I ask a friend if I can borrow a tampon and she hands me a cardboard stick of flower smelling shit. You know, the male part of the world already has this horrid perspective on PERIODS, TAMPONS, EW GROSS. I find it funny that two gender flipped questions that are always asked are: 1. To a girl: Have you ever bought condoms? 2. To a guy: Dude, have you ever bought tampons, gross. So men just absolutely mentally shut down over periods, babies, tampons, etc...here's what I think: The scented tampon conveys that periods just are the absolute grossest thing of life. I've been around blood on multiple occasions in my life and quite honestly it doesn't have an odor, so why are we selling lilac flavored tampons? It's not like when someone falls and cracks their head someone yells QUICK get the fire lily scented gauze pads before this shit smells up the room. No, absolutely not. Blood doesn't smell and ladies, if you're showering on a regular basis, the scented tampon has got to go. It ruins my day when I forget a tampon and I end up borrowing one from a friend. For the rest of the day when someone asks me how my day's going, I just want to say well I think my flower bed is coming in nicely but I'll let you know after I re mulch in a few hours. How about those girls who send their boyfriends to buy tampons? Are they standing in the isle on the phone whispering yeah honey, did you want scented or unscented? Listen dude, I've seen you buying them and I've seen you grab the biggest box of magnums on your way out so we don't think you're losing your masculinity buying rolled gauze for your girlfriend's monthly natural disaster. Scented tampons: No thanks.

Redbull Gives me Wings

You know, a lot of people these days ask me if I am passionate about anything besides Lady Gaga? Cynically, I usually say no, however come to think I'm really passionate about a dear friend of mine these days: Miss Redbull. I love the way it tastes and how the can fits perfectly into my abnormally small hands. Whether she and I casually spend time working at my desk together or I dress her up with a splash of Vodka, we roll together, unconditionally, daily. Chilled. Unchilled. I don't discriminate. I think Redbull could hire me to be a spokeswoman at this point. I can picture the new and improved slogan: I wanna hold em (Redbull) like that Abby does on days. Perhaps I'll even write a cover inspired by Poker Face called My Redbull Face. I used to admire the slogan of "Redbull gives you wings, " but I recently made a treacherous realization that has turned me away from my reliable friend. Redbull gives you wings...**If I could type in small font with that underlying message that credit card companies manage to slip by us all, I would and this is what it would say** Warning: Redbull gives you wings, as in wings of an angel because you are now at risk for Type II Diabetes and you're probably experiencing heart palpitations and approaching death. Redbull Co. is in no way responsible for fatality. So the Lady Gaga obsession has surpassed old and my second passion is slowly deteriorating my health and I'm experiencing heart palpitations, now what?

My third passion, the gym. I love a good self induced ass kicking session and then sitting in the sauna knowing that I am losing water weight and even though it'll return tomorrow, I'm going to be one pound lighter on that scale in 10 minutes ;). But as everything in life, there's some issues with the gym for me lately. There is always a different girl within a close proximity of me talking on her cell phone while "casually" gliding her not so toned legs back and forth on the elliptical. Like I'm sweating to death and awkwardly collecting a puddle on my exercise machine, sorority girl next to me is working her thing and looking like she's approaching being able to wear a 6x again, and Biggest Loser wannabe two people down is working hard today but not so much tomorrow. BUT, bitch a couple machines down is on the phone. Here's the best part, she's usually nagging to some friend on the phone in a manner of "LIKE OMG why the f*ck doesnt he want to spend more time with me? Like I am just so good to him and he just isn't answering my calls." Newsflash honey, based on the fact that you are screaming on the phone AT THE GYM, ON THE ELLIPTICAL, I can't even imagine why he isn't calling you back. I find this scenario the most obnoxious at the gym second to Asians wearing blue jeans while they pump iron. I have to say though, these oblivious bimbos encourage bonding among other disgruntled girls. We all exchange looks that basically say: Yeah girl, that bitch really is screaming on the phone, I'm annoyed too, just keep sweating. I think one day I'm just going to do something really obnoxious and see if anyone takes note or shoots me dirty looks. What if I go to the gym today, move the bicycle close to the wall, plug my lap top into the wall, hook my blue tooth onto my ear and get peddling while obviously working up some serious line of business. I might check your facebook, tweet "Working out," and check my e-mail all while riding that bike. Give me a call, I'll have my bluetooth on, lets talk about who you shacked with last night and OMG why isn't he answering your calls today? Do people answer calls at church yet? Just curious.

Anyway, Redbull stopped giving me wings and bitch on her cell phone is ruining my work out aura. I guess I'll just have to drink water and stop working out. Lame. Atleast it's going to be 80 degrees ish today.

The Little Red Composition Book

To all of my virtual followers, I felt that the best way to conclude this trip was an authentic blog that speaks more than my facebook status. As I was showering, I had a thought that my blog was currently only a one hit wonder and that was not up to my standards.

As some of you know, this short, but sweet spring break trip was a spontaneous last minute decision. They say "third times a charm," and I usually say, bull shit...but this was my third attempt at making spring break plans. Prior to the planning phase that lasted through one wretched public health lecture, the four of us had been talking about taking some elaborate trip for months, but it just never seemed that we'd make it work because Uncle Sam and the US Navy are calling for me after graduation. Amy called me one night and said, "we're going on spring break and we're getting shitty." You couldnt get down on one knee and say something more near and dear to my heart. Naturally the other two girls got on board after Amy and I made the commitment. The planning phase: Where in Florida can we go that is cheap but is not Panama City Beach? Daytona, done. Yep, this hotel is trashy and cheap enough, booked.

After driving 14 hours through the night, backtracking for one hour because I didn't like the route we were traveling, 4 tanks of gas, a bag of carrots and celery and about as much Lady Gaga as I could fit in, we arrived at our final luxurious destination: Daytona Beach, Florida. We checked into our hotel at 1:00 pm, popped a bottle of high class Cook's bubbly by 1:05 and literally went down to the pool deck drunk by 1:30 pm. 14 hours later, we had met our match, Mike the Cab Driver. When Mike picked us up from our hotel on our final night out he stated "yeah they called and said Mike, you have a personal at DBR." Sounds like a true spring break themed statement, but it was just our cab driver gloating over the four hot bitches he picked up three nights in a row. Speaking of spring break statements, these Floridians didn't understand my humor when I was standing in line one night and said who do I need to take out back and b**w to get into this bar faster? The guy directly behind me said, I cannot believe she just said that, most of you would say, I can.

Four short nights and we've documented all our best statements and stories in a small red composition book. A small souvenir that will forever hold hysterical memories. Each morning we awakened to a different girl in the group giggling in her bed with a hilarious story, pieced back our night and made some red composition entries. Perhaps they wouldn't humor others as much as they have us, but its the type of memento that makes you smile on the outside while you feel some sort of sentiment and sadness within that it's all over. A trip that I couldn't have ever anticipated being this hilarious and relaxing, it succeeded all our expectations and alcoholic needs. It's times like these that we reflect on approaching our next phase of life, which all four of us are starting new incredible journeys soon and are thankful that we fit in this ridiculous trip. Although it's not our final rally, it's a memory that we'll share with those to come for many years. I've been waiting four years for that college moment that truly depicts the simple fun and friends that we're suppose to carry for years and I feel this trip concludes college well for me. So as we raise our glasses for our final toast of Spring Break 2010, we toast to eachother for the hilarious memories and the reason we know we won't let our children go on spring break. This is Amy, Kylie, Jamie and Abby signing out. Thanks for sharing our spring break with us.

P.S...A little taste of our composition book:

Kylie asks the boy we deemed "yellow shirt boy" to buy us drinks, it was free drinks for ladies all night.

Amy asks cab driver if he takes credit, no response..tires screech and he was gone.

Abby asks cab driver what his day job is, he told us he worked with reptiles and Amy drunkenly tells him that he really needs to get his tetanus and Hepatitis B vaccinations.

An employee came and yelled at us for being too loud, Abby got really pissed off when she realized he was wearing a transformers belt.

Welcome

Welcome one, welcome no one, or maybe welcome all...to my circus. Many of you have asked me to create a blog or a "memoir" of my absolute shaninigans. For all you wishful individuals, I give you this blog. Merry Christmas, Happy birthday, I'm not even sending you a card this year.

I've pondered this blog for many years, and when I say years I mean a few class periods. My personal struggle with this is I just know what's going to happen...I'll ultimately put Perez Hilton out of business. Lets examine Perez a little bit. Perez created his blog to present useless(pricesless) celebrity gossip with his quirky thoughts, and an occasional inappropriate "white drawing" added to many photos and suddenly he's grown to be every gay man and pop culture thriving girl's homepage. *I check it a few times a day. Yeah. And when I'm finished checking it, I read his Twitter. Oh, and if I don't get enough celebrity garbage there I go to TMZ.com and find out who Charlie Sheen domestically violated this week and top it off with Tiger's most recent bone. All while sucking down my first pot of coffee for the day. Unfortunately, due to low staffing I won't be able to provide you with any celebrity gossip before my colleagues do, but I can provide you with a real gem, yours truly.

The plan here is to write you something creative, interesting and witty each week. If I get enough demand, I just might give you a little more. There's no fancy footwork here, this is all raw, classic A.S.S material. Enjoy and subscribe.