This Just In....

So today I was at the gym and as if I didn't have enough adrenaline from stress, the media really got me going. For those gym junkies that'll understand I'm talking I burned 462 calories in 30 minutes, that's a pretty intense 30 min of cardio. What I'd like to share with you all is some of the ridiculous headlines. I'm not even sure where to start

1. A man is being tried and prosecuted for hacking Sarah Palin's e-mail. Sarah Palin may make an appearance in court. Like seriously, wtf was in Sarah Palin's e-mail? Maybe a recipe from her next door neighbor or some PTA shit, who the f*ck cares about Sarah Palin's e-mail and the only reason she'd go to court is so the media will cover her Playboy face yet again. As I said earlier, I am not sure who said "Take my picture Hollywood" was it Lady Gaga or Sarah Pal Pal?

2. Man is arrested in the UK for driving a Barbie Power Wheels drunk. Man is ARRESTED. OMFG, that's genius...you can just straight up get arrested for anything these days. Props to that individual for thinking outside the box but still "operating" under the influence. Do you think his 3 year old daughter was in the passenger seat?

3. A California man has been sentenced to life in jail with no parole after he pleaded guilty and admitted to kidnapping, raping, and stabbing a 10 year old girl. Does this mean the parents of the little girl are tax exempt for lifetime? Because I'm pretty sure distraught Mother and Father are paying for this sick individual to watch True Life: I'm a sick fuck. Thats justice America. Not to mention I know others who travel afar just to watch cable.

4. Whale found dead with large amounts of trash in its stomach. LIKE wtf is this? That's like saying college girl found dead, large amounts of male fluids found in stomach. Sorry Moby Dick was snacking on trash when there were obviously plenty of fish in the sea. This has got to be one of the weirdest headlines I've ever seen.

5. New Apple iPhone photo leaks. OMG nerds and apple freaks, get home and google all the deets on your new touch screen girlfriend. Did you know that the new phone has 2 cameras? WHY, can someone give me a logical explanation about why our means of verbal communication needs 2 cameras. Photographers rarely walk around with two cameras on their neck, so why would some little apple p.o.s need two cameras? I hope it's something obnoxious like 543 gigs because we all know everyone needs 45 movies, 10,234 songs, and 256 porns on their iPhone. I'm trading my blackberry in, it has one f*cking camera and that's subpar.

This is only a small taste of the absurd headlines I watched on the news this afternoon. For once, I really feel like I can relate to all our grandmothers who say "what is this world coming to?" Honest to god. Everyone's getting arrested, dying of trash ingestion, raped and murdered. I feel like the world is coming to such prosecution and hate that those who eat McChickens everyday are going to get jumped because someone disagrees with their dietary orientation. Speaking of orientation. I mean if we're going to have sexual orientation, I want to have political orientation, scholastic orientation, animal orientation, etc. For example, scholastic orientation: On our facebook you should list if you are intelligent, book smart, bullshitter, retard, etc. WTF is sexual orientation? Labels. Gay. What is this world truly coming to? You cant even pull a good prank these days or you go to jail. People can go to jail for pulling fire alarms and have no cable for 12 hours in holding cells, but Joe Blow is watching Dancing With the Stars and smirking over his twisted murder down the hall. I mean that seems fair, right? Anyway, the news. No good. I think I'm really just going to stick to perezhilton.com because reading about how drunk Lindsay Lohan got last night makes me feel a little less uneasy. Have a good one folks.

The Awkward Travel Sweat

Some of you might be perplexed by the title of my blog, but once you get through this you're going to be able to relate with me well. So here's the scenario: You're getting ready to drive a few hours out of town so you take a wonderful shower because the question is, when will I get another shower and how good will that one actually be? You dry your hair, put the make up on, nice outfit and hit the road. Air conditioning is turned up, music is blaring, stunner shades on..the drive is going smoothly. Suddenly, you realize your hands are a little clammy, ass is a little sweaty, and ONE of your arm pits is pit stained. I offer no medical or logical explanation of why only that one arm pit sweats, but I promise that's just how it goes. Perhaps it could have something to do with how intensely you are holding that steering wheel with one hand, but who really knows? Just one of those eerie aspects of life. Naturally, you turn up the air conditioning a little more, but that doesnt stop the entire crisis..you actually just get clamier.

By the time the drive is over, what's the first thing you want? Another shower. I know when I arrive at my final destination I just want to cleanse my face for hours because it honest to god looks like someone fried bacon on my face and then soaked it. If I invested into a travel dehumidifier would I be able to bypass this awkward travel sweat? Then I'd probably arrive at my destination with the grand canyon on my face because I'm so dried out. Airplanes are just as bad. Awkward travel sweat isnt just the one sweaty armpit either, it's an entire package deal. With that sweaty pit comes the moist awkward smell of your deodorant, clammy hands, upper lip sweat, etc. There isn't a better adjective to describe it than awkward. So we all know we feel a little gross after traveling, why do we continue to shower and paint our faces with make up before traveling? I think in anticipation of awkward travel sweat I'm not going to shower for like 4 days prior to departure. I think that's really going to show that awkward travel sweat.

I bring this topic up because I've got a 3 day drive ahead of me this summer. The big move to California is going to take awkward travel sweat to an extreme level that I'm not mentally prepared to handle. I'm talking pit stains to my ankles, 7th grade puberty broken out grease face, and swamp ass that requires depends diapers. I don't even know what to do to prepare. This my friends, is an example of a life stressor that's legitimate and justified. All that BS about money struggles, marital problems and such doesn't even touch battling awkward travel sweat. I think on that note I'm going to go baby powder my driver seat, it's a start, right?